Those of you who know me, know that I value my friend Lara’s opinion a lot. So much so that when faced with a challenge my husband and children used to joke with me and say, “well, what does Lara say?”
Today I was surprised that my friend Lara asked ME for advice. Usually, it is the other way around. She has been supporting my Time to Think™ coach and facilitator accreditation journey, and the integration of the building blocks and applications of the Thinking Environment™. The idea is to think together and generate collective high-quality thinking. She asked me the following question, so how do I teach this now to others? We got disconnected by load shedding (you know you are South African when you know what that is) and I took some Time to Think about this.
In my coach training, I learned that I can only give what I got. I realized that only when I make this work part of my being and my DNA, and when I truly integrate skills and tools, only then can I transmit my learnings to another.
I thought of a great way to practice and integrate Nancy Kline’s transformational thinking and listening skills, and what better opportunity than observing myself in a Thinking Environment, in the daily interactions with my 16-year-old teenage son. Everyone knows that a teenager’s brain is under construction. How can I possibly get us to think together? How can I support my son to come up with quality and independent thinking?
As identified by Nancy Kline’s 10 Components that make up the Thinking Environment, the way that we elicit generative independent thinking in another depends on how we treat each other. The quality of all our results and decisions depends on the quality of the thinking we do first. I figure if I can make this work at home with a teenager, I can basically make this work anywhere.
In this two-part blog series, I will be introducing you to The Ten Components or types of behaviour that determine the quality of the thinking of the people that we are with. And by the way, I did check that my boy does not mind me using him to illustrate this. Here are the first five components:
Attention
“Listening without interruption and with interest in where the person will go next in there thinking.”
Where is your attention when someone is speaking to you?
Am I curious as to where my teenage son will go next in this thinking or am I just waiting for him to catch his breath so that I can overrule him or get in “I told you so”?
Tip: Keep your attention on the content of the thinker. Stay curious: where are they going to next?
Equality
“Regarding each other as thinking peers giving equal time to think.”
When you are having a conversation with another, is there equality in turns or are you more important and thus entitled to interrupt another?
In terms of my teenager, am I still curious or am I simply interrupting him to force my opinion down his throat?
Tip: Be conscious of equal thinking and speaking turns. Do not interrupt.
Ease
“Discarding internal urgency.”
Are you mindful of taking your time when thinking with another, or are your rushing off to the next thing, expressing urgency in your verbal and non-verbal cues?
How at ease am I when my teenager expresses his views on going on a winter holiday with his friends during the midst of a pandemic? Again, am I still curious how much further he can go in his thinking, or am I simply ready to punch back?
Tip: “Ease encourages high quality thinking, urgency destroys it.” – Nancy Kline.
Appreciation
“Noticing what is good and saying it.”
Are you truly appreciating the beauty of the human brain in the human being in front of you?
Coming back to my teenager, am I in awe of the brain under construction right in front of me? The magic of neuroscience and development? Or has my blood flow to my brain drastically reduced due to my negative bias thinking by now?
Tip: Start and end every conversation with an appreciation. The human mind simply works best when it is present to appreciation.
Feelings
“Welcoming the release of information.”
Are you allowing emotions to be released during a conversation so that the mind in front of you can think afresh? Or do you immediately step in at the first sign of tears with your therapist’s number or well-meaning?
What was I thinking when my boy proclaimed first thing in the morning that he “hates his family?” Did I have space for the healthy release of anger or was I personally hurt?
Tip: Allow the waves of emotional release. Thinking will be better when there is freedom to feel. That also applies to teenagers.
If you enjoyed this blog post, then please continue to blog two for the rest of the 10 components. For those of you wanting to think more, I offer workshops to private individuals (including couples AND parents of teenagers) as well as business and nonprofit organizations. For more information, please send an email to hello@sibylle.co.za or visit my website.
Quotes by Nancy Kline, The Promise That Changes Everything, I Won’t Interrupt You.
2 Comments
Thanks Sibs for the refresher! Sorry not to be able to do it in person along the river with you. But I look forward to that soon.
Thank you, Mandy. I miss our walks. That’s for sure.